Me: “So kids, you can choose three foods that no-one can ever make you eat again. What do you go for?”

Elder Daughter: “Mushrooms, courgettes, and the crunchy bits on macaroni cheese.”

Smallest Daughter: “Courgettes, mice and Wuffles the hamster”.

Me: “No-one is ever going to cook you mice or the hamster”.

SD: “Just in case, leave them on the list”.

He had a point

Long journey. Emergency stop at McDonald’s.

Me: “Hi, can I have a decaff coffee please?”

Guy behind counter: “Sorry, I don’t understand what you’re asking for.”

Me: “Decaffeinated coffee?”

GBC: “Never heard of it.” (to colleague) “Mate, do you know what coffee she’s asking for?”

Colleague: “what do you want?”

Me: “Decaffeinated coffee?”

Colleague: “No, we don’t have anything like that. Closest thing we’ve got to that is semi-skimmed milk.”