The perfect housemate

In 1998, I was looking for a room to rent in Birmingham. The local paper led me to a house owned by Ben, where he lived with his mate Marcus. They were rather handsome chaps, and I was utterly charmed by both of them. They gave me a tour of the house, then they went off and chatted for a while.

Eventually:

Ben: “Well, Marcus and I would love you to move in, if you want.”

Me: “Oh, that’s great!”

Ben: “Yeah, we reckon you’d be the perfect housemate.”

Me: *starting to preen and puff* “That’s so lovely, thanks!”

Ben: “So, Marcus and I had one rule: we didn’t want to live with anyone that either of us fancied, as that would spoil the house dynamic. And then you came along…”

Me: *rapidly deflating* “Oh?”

Ben: “…and obviously neither of us find you attractive, so welcome to the house!”

It is dark and lonely in the pit of mortification, I can tell you.