A sincere and heartfelt bit of feedback to Facebook

Dear Facebook,
Could you kindly, in your “people you may know” section, stop suggesting that I add the following as friends:
a) That weird guy from Guardian Soulmates who I went on a terrible date with in 2012
b) That person from youth group I had nothing in common with when I was 14, and haven’t seen since I was 14
c) That ex-colleague that I hadn’t added as a friend already for a very good reason
d) That other weird guy from Guardian Soulmates who I went on a terrible date with in 2012
e) That nightmare ex that I haven’t spoken to in five years. Yes, that one.
f) Possibly an ex-parent from my daughter’s class? Don’t know
g) Person who will think I am a crazed stalker if I add them as a friend, as there is no reason to add them as a friend (e.g. my friend’s teenage daughter who I have never met)
h) That woman who lived in the downstairs flat in 1998 with the sodding fluffy dog that never stopped barking
i) Brother of person I have not spoken to since accepting friend request on Facebook. I have never met this brother.
j) I think that’s my osteopath but I’m not entirely sure what his actual surname is (he’s in my phone under Alex Osteopath)
k) A cat. An actual cat. In Fulham.
l) Builder who did some work for me in 2011.
m) A garage. An actual fucking garage. In Manchester.
n) Guy who bought my house in 2009.
o) “Captain Halitosis”
p) That awful friend-of-a-friend that said that awful thing that one time
q) That other other weird guy from Guardian Soulmates who was so weird I decided I didn’t even want to meet him for a first date
If you could sort this soon, that would be appreciated. Before the next time I accidentally click “Add Friend” instead of “Remove Suggestion”. Again.

THE WINNING LINES: tales from my dating days #1

We found each other on some dating site. Turned out we both loved music, so we batted some emails back and forth before he suggested a drink.

Saturday night found me in a bar, staring at my watch. I was on time. I’m always on time. He was late. Really late.

He finally arrived, sweaty and unapologetic. As he slid into the seat opposite me, he said he had to tell me something:

“You know, I’ve never been on a date with someone with kids before. I always knock back the single mothers straight away. I’ve no interest in kids, I don’t even like kids. But your picture was really nice so I thought I’d make an exception for you.”

Ah! Sound the Date-Killer Klaxon; turns out I’m on a date with King Herod.

It was never going to work. I’m a package deal; I come with two kids who are the centre of my universe. I’m never going to date someone who hates the idea of children and being a step-dad. (I made that mistake with another ex, that’s a story for another time.)