The Curse of Home Alone 3.

I went to see Home Alone 3 with a mate. We’d always had totally different tastes in cinema so, true to form, she was convulsed with laughter and I was bored rigid. For some light relief, halfway through the film, I nipped to the loo.

Business done, I went to open the cubicle door. But, the lock had jammed. I thumped the door. Nothing. I shouted myself silly. No-one came. This was back in 1997, I didn’t have a mobile phone, so I resigned myself to being stuck until my friend raised the alarm.

Because surely she’d soon notice I hadn’t come back.

Surely she’d soon realise I’d been gone for much too long.

Surely.

After twenty minutes, I realised that either she hadn’t noticed I was gone, or had assumed I was having bum troubles and didn’t want to disturb me.

Another ten minutes passed.

As much as I hadn’t been enjoying Home Alone 3, being stuck in a toilet cubicle in a branch of the Odeon* was marginally less fun.

In desperation, I took off my shoe and started hammering at the lock. My impressive DIY skills did the trick (or perhaps the gods of misfortune felt sufficiently sorry for me) and the door popped open.

I made it back into the screen as the credits rolled.

My friend looked round at me. “Where were you?”

“I’ve been locked in the loo for the last half hour.”

“Have you?”

“Did you not notice?”

“It was such a great film.”

So, there you have it. I am officially less great than Home Alone 3.

(*since demolished. It’s all it deserved.)